you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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