happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
