remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
