She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
