Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
