The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
