You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there's paper in my vomit.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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