Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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