Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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