my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
