the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My sheets look like a crime scene.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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