a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
