True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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