yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
