Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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