I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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