please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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