How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
