wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
