Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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