STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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