you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
