Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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