glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
