I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize