I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
