I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
