I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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