I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
