i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
