Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Boobs speak an international language.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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