When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
