I wish I could teleport
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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