Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
