well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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