You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
