Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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