Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
