My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
