i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
