I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
