I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
