I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
