i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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