Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
