Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
