Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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