True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
