i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
