It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
