Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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