How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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