she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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