Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
