im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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