Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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