Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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