i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
