i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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