tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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