btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
