i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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