I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we're making bets on your personal life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He better not be in your backpack
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
