Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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