my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize