listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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