The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
