He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
