A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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