She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
