Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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