between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
