News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
