I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
