i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
