Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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