I need to stop coming to work sober
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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